Monday, June 25, 2012

The Big Brave

I am so grateful tonight for this community I am a part of. Of writers and artists, of survivors and healers and fighters and grateful for the big brave that happens when we step forward into what calls to us. Art, writing, performance, speaking, singing, laughing, healing- all of it. All of us.

I love the opportunities I get to come together with other writers and write- largely in Writing Ourselves Whole Workshops with Jen Cross. I love that feeling of sitting in a circle,with our pens and notebooks, or laptops ready, how we wait poised for the prompt and then we begin. We write together, the room hushes down into scribbling and keyboard tapping, sighs and occasional laughs when something strikes us as it writes itself out onto the page. I so adore that feeling. The energy in the room grows and grows and then there is reading, witnessing, deep listening and such respectful and joyful responses to the writing we hear read to us. If you haven't had the experience I highly recommend checking out the different flavors of workshops Jen offers. It's just one of the best things I've ever done, ever. 


This is amazing work, joyous fun and I always leave with words humming in my head. The words I've written, the words I've heard shared out around the room and I am always ready to write more. The next day after a workshop is often filled with writing. Some of the best writing comes from something begun in a workshop write, or in the immediate days after.

The big brave is showing up to write, alone or in a circle. At a workshop or with a friend. You can write with others long distance, in letters, over Skype or instant message, writing together, sharing what you've written and offering feedback. Or you can just write in silence, doing the work in company but not sharing. It's all good. It's all important. It all works.

Sometimes it's big work, sometimes it's hard wrung, sweat stained words that leave a physical groove in the page from gripping the pen so hard and that's good too. I'm never sorry for risking- even when it feels raw or hard or naked if I'm working with difficult material. Sometimes it takes awhile to recover from that kind of wide open, no holds barred writing- for me if it's most challenging if it's non-fiction or fiction that is part of my life- storied into something else but still true enough to make my teeth hurt. That kind of writing requires the big brave. The leap of faith and the ability to stand up to the aftermath of over exposure- the feeling of being skinned and peeled back and wide open with no winter coat, on an icy day. And it's worth it, always.

The harder the writing is, the juicier it is. The scarier it is- the more meat to chew on; the richer the words. I'm grateful to have these opportunities to dive into the scary writing, to have company in the process. Grateful to all of you who have supported my fundraising for the AWA training in July. Because I got accepted and that is both tremendously exciting and terrifying. This will take some big brave too. I've asked for your help to get there and you are donating, you are supporting me and encouraging me. And the gift of that knocks me down and cracks my chest open. It's big and kind and generous and it's something to stand up to. To accept and say thank you and know I will take the next steps to helping build more safe, challenging spaces where we can write and make art in community. Feeling scared and grateful and wide open and ready. Feeling big, feeling brave.

Thank you. 

Sunday, June 10, 2012

When I realized I had people in my corner...


It came in a short write on a beautiful Sunday with the writers of Dive Deep. It came organically, in the process of the writing. It came to me as truth and I was amazed when I read it out loud, when I heard it hit the room.
 I have people in my corner, fighting for me, cheering me on. And that is why I so love this writing method, this process, where we get a prompt (I don't remember what this one was- I only know I grabbed the word scatter)and we write. Then we read (if we want to) and we hear what was strong, what stayed for people, what folks liked. 

The process is like magic and even though the piece below is raw and unedited I see lines I will use for something, I see things I know are absolutely true. This has happened over and over for me- I learn things I didn't understand were true until that exact moment of wild scribbling, and they are big truths,like this one- an important truth that changed everything for me. 


Excerpt- Dive Deep write May 2012


I am scattered, the house is scattered, the dishes are piled up to the god-damned sky. No-one cleans but me most days and I am not cleaning, I am writing.

Scattered- the cat off my keyboard, papers flying underneath my worn out fingers, my thoughts scatter up to touch on crows, touch on this demanding, healing, sexual, trauma writing and the hard on, hard wring words I write about it every day.

Scattered, lists and to-dos, frantic phone calls from my family in crisis, cranky children yelling in the back, neighbors who blast their music all night, neighbors who want to talk to me when I take my notebook outside, wearing my headphones, my back to them.

Crazy people on the buses crazy thoughts filling my head and no room can be made until I write; it’s like a fucked up tetris game in there and it fills up faster than I can scribble.

Scatter my love 6 hours away if she drives the truck fast enough, my past which pokes into my dreams like a bully because I am daring to take this body back for myself, daring to chase out the persistent ghosts, scatter their moldy sticky leavings.

Because I choose to say this is mine
This mind, body, belly, desire-
Desire- my desire I say it again.

This is a battle that’s raged in my head forever.
A tug of war but the dead child-eaters will lose because I have people in my corner, offering words, offering a clean well lit place to work, offering me a moment to dream of a time when I might have a little square of floor to call my own with a solid red oak door with a hand lettered sign on it that reads: 
Do Not Disturb. Rabid Writer at Work. 


Saturday, June 9, 2012

Grateful

May Flowers- by wolfepaw
I am so damn grateful. Tonight I sat on the front stoop where it's cool and listened to my partner telling me about the last two donations that came in for the AWA Writing Leadership Training in July. I know these two people don't have much money and I was so touched that they donated anyway. I know those donations mean they will give something up this month- trade something in their lives in support of me. I felt so believed in, so supported and I cried, feeling this amazing kindness. I'm not used to kindness- it's something I didn't grow up with so every time it comes my way it's like a prayer coming at me, something sacred and tender that feels so huge it's hard to contain.

This is grace.This is the people in my corner saying yes you can and here- here is some money to help get you there. It makes me tuck my fear and doubt away in my back pocket. It makes me stand up taller into who I am, into who I am becoming and into my intentions. Tomorrow I will list my donors, the people who are saying- you can do it- and I am now going to work on new poems and stories for the rewards I've promised. I'm so glad to be in this place at this time, in my body, in my life and so grateful for each one of you, doing what you are doing in your lives. Standing up and breathing into another day, even if it's hard, even if it's bad. Going on and doing what you need to do anyway. This is faith with walking shoes on. Determination with fists behind it. Breathing into it and saying yes.


If you write...

Books- by ~GDrocks2431


You absolutely need people in your corner. If you don't have access to actual people, a supportive writing community, they can be your favorite writers, your characters, anyone or anything that makes you feel more you, more a writer, less alone. I  have stacks of books, talismans, rocks, sea-shells and art made by people I know and love. I am never alone. I am surrounded by the ghosts of dead authors, and millions of characters who I know as well as I know myself sitting next to me while I sip my tea and begin to write.

It's a solitary business. It's lonely. It's good that way too sometimes. But support in a world that doesn't take writing seriously (with rare exceptions), or art, or anything that isn't instantly covered in glitter and spray tan and sexy consumer buy me now on a billboard, is important.

For me, the people in my corner, include every teacher that ever told me I could write. It's Raphael Jesus Gonzalez, writer, poet, painter, who taught creative writing at Laney who told me many years ago when I said I wanted to be a writer- you are already a fine writer. You are writing now. Keep going. He also used to say never be intimidated by the blank paper. Crumple it up. Coat it in ashes. Mark it up so that it's not so scary. I thought of that yesterday when I had a little writer's block and I picked a notebook page that already had notes messily scrawled on it and a crease towards the bottom.

People in my corner include every author I ever read who painted a different world for me than the one I had to live in, that taught me the possibilities of words, strung together into story and what they could do- how they could move me.

And now I have this rich lush experience of my fellow writers at Dive-Deep with Jen Cross and Writing Ourselves Whole. This feeling of community and sharing and laughing and writing is the best thing I've ever tasted. Having the shared experience of sharing our 15 pages with terror and hope and waiting to see what will happen when we meet next is the best thing. To get feedback that is rich in precision and respect is amazing. To get support when we feel like giving up, like we can't write anything good, like we can't want what we want- is powerful. Empowering. That's what it is this people in my corner. I want you to have people in your corner too. Reading your words, telling you what they like about them, telling you when they got pulled out of the story a bit, telling you they can't wait to read what comes next. I want us all to have people in our corner until the world is full of corners that become circles that become all of us saying yes to writing, and art, and to women and to queers and to all of us, however we are, whoever we are. Yes I think that's Utopian and unrealistic but that's the other thing about people in your corner- they make you hopeful. 

Friday, June 8, 2012

Dreaming Big

I've been writing with this method- The Amherst Artists & Writer's method for ten years now with Jen Cross and Writing Ourselves Whole. This method of writing has literally changed my life and I want the chance to make a safe space for others to write too. I want to give back. I thank you for your help as I take this crazy leap of faith of applying when I don't have the money yet to attend. <3